Choices maketh the woman

I don't know where people get the feeling that I am living a life of regrets. I am not! I never have and I never will. I have only one life just like every one here on earth and I'm NOT going to waste it on looking back and regretting anything. I've had SO many curve balls thrown at me and I always come out stronger than before. There are a dime a dozen people who sit and judge or pass their comments on how I live my life. My life's path is unconventional but at least I am happy that I got to live it the way I wanted to. Yes, I've made mistakes! But who hasn't?

I have always loved truly and deeply. I have always given every relationship (whether the person deserved my love or not) a 100%. I am happy with the person that I am. I never try to hurt anyone intentionally, I always focused on the bigger things in life such as kindness and the likes. I don't find humor or get my kicks out of seeing ANYONE in pain...No matter how much they've hurt me or the people I love. I have never regretted any decision or choice I have made. If people who claim to know me say that or feel that then they really haven't figured out who I am yet.

There are also those who like to judge me based on my beliefs. Whether it's my choices on my lifestyle or my faith. I have made peace with the haters. I'm going to leave it to Allah to deal with them. If I am being judged then only Allah has the right to do it. No other human!

I would have wanted things to be different in my life but Allah had other plans and those are plans that I will not question or try to fight. My choices are mine and only mine alone. I am never one to respond or react rashly (as short tempered and impatient as I am) and I never take a decision based on emotions. If a decision is made, then it is truly thought out without the influence of ANYONE else. I am a practical person and will never say things I don't mean. I don't see the point or the need to prove my faith, my beliefs, my choices or my life to anyone anymore! Just live and let live!!

It Hurts

Another one from the collection:

it hurts to see your face
it hurts to feel your embrace
it hurts to see you smile
it hurts even though it's been a while
it hurts to remember you
it hurts to remember how you'd woo
it hurts to hear your voice
it hurts to face your choice
it hurts to remember your touch
it hurts coz I remember it so much
it hurts when I'm awake
it hurts more than my heart can take
it hurts when I'm asleep
it hurts coz the pain's too deep
it hurts to see you move on
it hurts that you're truly gone
it hurts; if you only knew
it hurts because I still love you

All that Chatter

Looking back over the year that's passed, I feel like I've lived through a hurricane! I've made it out alive and kicking! I came across something I had written and figured why not share?

"I'll wait for you forever."
"I'll leave you never."
"I'll always fight for us."
"You'll never have to adjust."
"I'll never force you."
"I'll change my point of view."
"You'll never cry again."
"I'll never cause you pain."
"I'll love you unconditionally."
"I'll treat you with dignity."
"You are my rare gem."
"I won't ever be like them."
"I will do it all."
"I'll support you if you fall."
"I am so proud of you."
"You are my baby boo."
"You are so beautiful."
"I'm always truthful."
"I will give you space."
"I will never forget your face."
"I will take care of you when you're old."
"I'll keep you warm when you're cold."
"I love how you are."
"You are my morning star."
"I'll never give up."
"You won't cook any grub!"
"You'll never be alone."
"Soon I'll leave, I'll be gone."
"We'll build a life together."
"Yes, I've found another."
"You left me!!"
"We weren't meant to be."
"I'm happy now."
"See ya! Ciao!"

Perspective

I was facing quite a few problems all at once and had become even more negative and 'cribby' than usual. Thankfully all those around me have been putting up with me without complaints. I sometimes feel I'm surrounded with those with patience of saints!

Coming back to what I was saying...It literally took ONE night to change my perspective on my situation. I believe in signs Allah sends us and how he guides us. I'm very grateful to the wonderful changes he has brought into my life. Although initially I may have been aloof or even ungrateful. I have made peace with the situations I've had to face and am finally looking at everything from a completely new perspective.

I have accepted my mistakes, I have forgiven myself and others for all the hurt and pain I've had to experience in the last couple of months. I am even grateful for the pain because it has brought me closer to Allah than anything ever would have. I am grateful for the gift of guilt that continues to guide me and motivate me to do better.

The only way I can describe such a drastic change and all the inner peace I feel would have to be, thankfully, because of Allah. I pray I'm able to follow the path he's nudged me on.

So...For now, I'm happy! Alhamdulillah :)

The Rut!

The weather outside has forced me to start reflecting...on life...my decisions...my mood. Does the reason why it's happened even matter? The point is it's got me in the mood to write.

So, I'm in another phase of my life and it seems like it doesn't get better as you grow older. In fact, I'm still asking myself questions I did from the last decade!

What are these blasted questions you ask? Just off the top of my head I'm gonna jot down a few:

How long does it take for a person to GROW the F up?
How many years does a person need to realize the mistakes he/she made?
Why is it SO damn hard for people to admit things?
Why is there always this need to protect the ego and to pretend like all's good?
Will the world end if we show that NOTHING is alright?
Why must we ignore our feelings and keep thinking about others?
How much hold will we continue to allow our families and society to have over us?
When will we finally cut ourselves some slack for everything we've been through?

You end up wasting years and years of your life...Chasing a dream...Looking forward to a future...A life...Following a path...Only to come to a dead end.

Sure, you can do something about it. It's all in your hands. Blah, blah, blah. But what if you can't? What if you've tried and there still isn't any difference? What if this is it?? There is no more life is offering you and you've tried to make the best of a bad situation but it doesn't matter because nothing will change.

Coming back to my original thought...It feels like nothing ever changes. You get older, you get wiser, you survive all that life throws at you, but in the end you do the same shit year after year. You try to change things around. You TRY to make it different. But when you're in a rut...You're in a damn rut! So....Yep, been looking for a change for 10 years now and still, NOTHING has changed.

Damn you rut!