I come from a family of regularly depressed people. The feeling of guilt, unworthyness and sadness have been embibed in me since birth. Some of the folks in my family (including relatives) have come to terms with dealing with depression while others like myself haven't been able to shake off this feeling since as far back as I can remember. I suppose my parents played a small part is ruining my self esteem, society did the rest! The skinny witches in the magazines, the popular kids picking on the ugly, dark Indian girl didn't help either!
Unlike others, my feelings of feeling blue didn't pass or fade away. Depression has been a bigger companion for me than my best friends coz it's always there no matter what I do! Some phases of my life were depression free while some led me to the point of me trying to commit suicide.
I am once again in the phase of being depressed but this time it's hit me with a full force. Surprisingly, with all my years of dealing with it, I'm able to mask the disorder well enough. At least that's what I believe. The unfortunate part is that I have never seeked medical help with this condition and now is no different. I suppose despite knowing the seriousness of it, I still don't give it as much importance as I should. It's partially because a part of me feels that this is just a part of life, while another part of me feels that I REALLY need to do something about this rut! I just don't feel I can trust anyone here. Or maybe I'm making too much of a big deal out of nothing! So many people go through so much in life. Why should I crumble?
My research tells me that I suffer from Dysthymic disorder, also called dysthymia. It's usually long–term (two years or longer) but has less severe symptoms that may not disable a person from doing their daily activities but can prevent one from functioning normally or feeling well. Those who have this condition also experience one or more episodes of major depression during their lifetimes.
I have the classic signs of depression as I usually feel sad, "empty" feeling, hopelessness, guilt, worthlessness and helplessness, irritability, restlessness, loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, fatigue and decreased energy, difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions, insomnia, nightmares, disturbed sleep, overeating earlier and now loss of appetite!
I've narrowed down the root cause of my depression to the way I look. I've always been obsessed with trying to fit in. I grew taller than all the kids at a very young age which made me feel like a giant. Then my hips developed early too while all the girls in my grade had the boyish look I was the one who had curvy hips. Then it was the acne prone skin, the obsession with hair, etc. Now, I've reached the peak of my depression because of the mad weight I had put on in one year. I gained 15 kgs which may not be a lot for some people but it's a lot for me. I used to be skinny and now I'm unshapely and feel fat. I feel disgusted when I look at myself in the mirror. My wardrobe has become so dowdy it's unbelievable! Most of the times I look at ways to cover myself in layers hoping it would hide my shapelessness. My confidence has hit rock bottom! I've tried REALLY hard to lose weight with the dieting and exercising way. Unfortunately for me it never works! I lost oodles of weight when I was in my early 20s because of stress and then I gained it all when I was 23 because of stress.
I don't know how far "talk therapy" amongst friends/family will help me. Because despite their encouragement and support, I still feel like shit! I have realized recently that I've started isolating myself from everyone. The effort to go and interact, to dress up, to have comments about the way I look....I just don't feel up to it! I hate the way I look and am constantly comparing myself to people! I put up a brave face to all the negative comments but it chips away at my self esteem one comment at a time....
I know...I know...I need to make some life changing decisions. I say I will but I don't!
I guess I can do the following for starters:
1)Continue exercising.
2)Socialize more.
3)Talk about what I feel.
4)CHANGE MY WARDROBE!
5)Sleep regularly.
6)Eat better.
7)Take care of my skin and hair more!
8)Stop caring what people think. :)
The reason I'm putting something so personal out in the open is because it's time I come to terms with my depression instead of denying it. Because that's what I've done all this time. Denying, hoping it'll go away....but in reality it's only made things worse!
