Have you ever sat in the wrong class and realized you're trapped? You can't get out of it and can't sit through it for whatever reason. I was reminded of this trapped feeling while reading 'Surviving Michael.' I hate criticizing another persons hard work because God knows I have no passion or drive to come up with something on my own. I also have this innate need to finish what I start. So abandoning the book was not on the cards for someone like me. Having said that, the book forced me to write this post. It was that powerful!
Early Bollywood movies had this concept of throwing too many plot lines into a movie. So much so that it made no sense at all and the audience left feeling wtf just happened in the last xyz time frame of my life! This is definitely the case with 'Surviving Michael'. This post does contain spoilers so beware...Or just be thankful that I spared you some real screwing with the mind!
Let's get to it!
The cover of the book says: Five boys begin a game of dares. Only four will survive.
Yeaaaa...That sounded interesting in concept but sadly that's where the interesting bit ends. Without going into an analysis of the story/or writing a summary; I do want to point out things that struck me as odd, unnecessary or made me go WTF!
1. Before you can even remember who the main characters are in the book, within the first 5-7 pages this one dimensional character, Michael drowns in a well while his friends look on. Joseph Birchall doesn't even give us time to register this and feel anything for the characters and we're forced to move to 15 years later soon after the death.
2. These 30 something year old men decide that their failures in life have been because they never really got over their guilt and the water that drowned Michael "took away their ambition, love of life and of each other, innocence, foolishness and replaced all with guilt." This would have been fine on its own and there's plenty to discuss with just this plot line. But that doesn't happen here! The story forcefully moves ahead.
3. The way to finally start 'living' is by doing ridiculous dares. Something that may have still passed as motivation when they were maybe 13 year old boys but as grown men the dares excuse gets more and more ludicrous. Much of the book is spent showing these completely unlikable and sexist men (who are responsible for two deaths in the book!) endure public humiliation, breaking the law in every sense of the word: (in no particular order) - Carjacking, murder, breaking the speed limit, robbery, and facing near death situations all because of a dare game that was started 15 years ago!
4. No time is wasted between the characters on trying to convince each other to do a dare. If it's a dare YOU MUST DO IT OR DIE TRYING! Everyone's on-board with it! Nothing to live for, miserable existence, etc.
Some of the dares:
- Tell every woman in a bar as a pick up line - she's cute and ask if she would like to go home with the fat, pervy slob. Make the dare more challenging by making the fat, pervy slob do the asking!
- Get blonde dye jobs
- Walk from one exit to the other of the highway in the middle of the road against the direction of the traffic.
- Break into a police station and drive 100+ miles an hour on a highway with the sirens on instead of taking the offered 'out' from the dare which is going bald for a few weeks!
- Being thrown in the air by a plane while trying to jump? I didn't get this. Don't want to bother because the dares said so!! Also, when the first attempt to complete a dare is unsuccessful then risk your life again so you can get thrown around like a rag-doll and walk away with next to no injuries. All so you can continue doing more dares!
5. Constant emphasis on superficial things and appearances such as weight is made on almost every page! It's almost like you're not allowed to feel anything or even live if you're not good looking or are obese! Just go and die!!!!
6. Eating disorders are shown in a very clinical way without attempting to feel any empathy for the character. Obesity is seen as something disgusting and paves the way to allow people to bully you, humiliate you and break down your self esteem. Violence features in many forms which I don't even want to get into, and disrespecting women is taken SO casually. A good slap here, a verbal abuse there. All in good fun!!
7. The only way a fat guy can hit it off with a woman is if she's a prostitute or if she's got low self esteem, down in the dumps, rebounding or is chubby! In the case of the book, it's all of the above.
8. Most of the characters don't know how to even be around women let alone talk to them. The women are purely around to be objectified or screwed.
9. It really gets my goat when male prostitution is shown as a public service to women. These female 'clients' are soo unhappy and the only way to give them any joy or doing something good for them is by sleeping with them. Why can't it just be taken for what it is?? Why does male prostitution always have to be done as a favor or as a good public service being offered by this generous soul?
This is where the plot just went crazy:
A pointless death happens and suddenly the dares are taken to the next level (because lives mean nothing in this book). A bank van robbery is planned. Now, the average thief might take days, weeks, months or even years to attempt to steal from a bank. Not our brave champs here. They decide to steal on a whim. Once again they have nothing to look forward to in life, meaningless existence, etc.
So, a conversation is overheard in a canteen where the characters must have spent some 5 minutes at. But they managed to overhear convenient details for a robbery that the guards were mouthing off in such a public place. Things like: How long are the cops away from the van, what time does the delivery happen, how many guards and cops are assigned to this route, the route itself, what specific days this van comes on. I mean...It's like fate wanted them to do it! How else do you plan a heist without doing any research or heck, any work at all?
Taking this as a sign from the Gods, our team of halfwits decide to steal a car and track down the van full of money! Get this, the mask for the robbery is a t-shirt found in the bottom of a gym bag in that stolen vehicle! The other mask is a tracksuit bottom over the head where the legs of the pants are tied around the face. Yes! That's right! AAAAAND they don't even remember what day it is for them to pull off this robbery. The deliveries happen on Mondays and Thursdays. They decided to steal first, check dates later because, well, fate was on their side.
The best part, I haven't done any research on this bitto see if it's possible and I have no intention of doing so because I feel like an idiot just typing it.
They manage to steal huge amounts of cash without a gun. No big deal right? Not unheard of. There have been cases of robberies done with toy guns and other weapons for decades now. But I haven't read something so stupid in a while! This team had no guns so they decided to use a more hands on approach. Literally, they stuck their fingers under their t-shirts and pointed it like a gun.
One would think if employed with a bank, you would know some basic training...I'm not talking about things like what to do at gunpoint or high stress situations, I'm talking about basics like being able to tell if there's a gun being pointed at you, is it real, etc. I can only assume we weren't expected to reach so far in the story hence the 'I care a damn about details.'
Our heroes also happened to have a really sturdy, lucky gym bag from the stolen vehicle to keep stolen money in. Exactly how much money will go in a gym bag? If you've decided to commit a crime, doesn't it make sense to invest a little time and brain cells to think and plan? Maybe keep a bigger bag around for starters??? Maybe have bags for each person. Simple math? Or have a backup vehicle incase your primary vehicle is destroyed in a car crash.
As luck would have it, that is what happens. But our quick-to-think-on-their feet foursome don't need old fashioned getaway cars to exit crime scenes in style. They decide to take a bus...A PUBLIC BUS! They even hop on board a ferry. The higher the stakes and chase, the slower and more public the transport!
An attempt is made at creating some depth to the characters. too bad it's all towards the end of the book. it really just doesn't matter anymore. Try as you might to use soap opera drama between two characters like one night stands, an illegitimate baby, murder, redemption and more blah blah, no one cares at this stage!!!
After having to endure all this and more there's really nothing else to tell you about the ending. It's even more flat than the beginning and middle of the plot. Two more characters die (hints are given that one may have survived and run off with the loot, the girl and the one night stand baby) and two are rotting away peacefully in prison. It's really hard to digest that this really fast descent into full-fledged crime happened on the basis of dares between grown men and in a span of a few days, all while being sober! Which only tells you they're a bunch of idiots!
Bottom line: The concept of the book held promise but the story went haywire and the whole book just seemed pointless and a waste of time at the end. Sorry Joseph Birchall, I REALLY wouldn't recommend this book for even a one time read. Not everyone can survive Michael!
